Doubts Part I: Missionaries are not supposed to have this problem.

(This is part one of a series of journal entries and research I've been working on for the last month or so. The questions I bring up in this entry do not necessarily reflect my views today. Nobody panic.)

But these are written that you may believe 

that Jesus is the Messiah, 

the Son of God, 

and that by believing 

you may have life in his name. 

-John 20:31

January 5, 2014

Why now?
It's been thirteen years since my doubts were buried during the Easter service
in which the pastor preached the lunatic, liar, or savior sermon.
 I was convinced.
My doubts were put to rest.

Yet now, they've come creeping back...
Is it even real? Have we all been brainwashed? If not, why doesn't everyone believe?
It's all just so...fantastical. And Christians can be so...weird.

Everyday a reminder pops up on my phone that says, "This isn't real life." But it sure feels real.
It feels like this is it...Do I really believe there's something more?

These doubts bring up serious questions with life (and death) altering consequences.
So why have I felt comfortable ignoring them?
Why have I not faced them head-on? Why haven't I told anyone?

Is it because I'm a "missionary"?
Because I've traveled to "the ends of the earth" to spread the good news?
 I can't very well have a job description like that and not believe it's true. 

Is it because I know that doubts are a normal thing for believers?
I learned long ago that doubts shouldn't be feared, but rather embraced.
They should be welcomed and put to the test because isn't that why we call it faith?
...Then why aren't I embracing them?

Is it because I know so many others before me have had doubts and come through believing stronger than before? Do I trust that I just need to re-read Mere Christianity or The Case for Christ, and then the doubts will flee? Am I counting on that to happen and just too lazy to get the books?

Or is it because I know others who have had doubts and followed them to a dead end?
People I used to pray with; people who helped me with my doubts thirteen years ago.
Am I afraid I might come to the same end? Twenty-four years of faith and nothing to show for it but an empty heart?

Or am I so comfortable in this life, this role, that I don't want to bother to change things?
Doubts or not, I know how to be a really good Christian.
I teach it every day. I biblically integrate. I get paid to do it.

And the fact of the matter is that I don't know who Kate is without God.
 I don't have a memory of life before He was a part of mine.
Maybe the question I'm afraid to ask isn't, "Who is God?" but rather,
"Who is Kate...apart from God?"

So why am I telling Him about it? Why am I still praying?
Why do I believe He's listening and He cares? It's either all true or none of it's true.
Either He's listening and He loves me and He died for my sins and rose again from the dead...
or...He's not even there.

Click here for part two.