On food. Or more precisely, carbs, and the German grocery experience.

Recently, we've taken to eating bread for dinner on Friday nights. This is not because we are missionaries, and it is not because I can't cook. (Actually, I can cook now, though some of you who lived with me during the plastic-bowls-in-the-toaster-oven phase might find that hard to believe.)

We dine on bread and water Friday nights because of the amazing bread that is sold at the amazing fruit (and bread) stand every Friday. (Warning: if you are gluten free, this post may cause feelings of dissatisfaction and anger. Read on at your own risk.)

The amazing fruit stand

This bread will change your life. The perfect balance between soft and dense. Sprinkled with a little bit of salt and some herbs. In fact, writing this post has taken me much longer than it should because of the constant urge to take another bite of said bread. Spread a little butter, coconut oil, or (my favorite) boursin cheese on it, and who needs a meat, vegetable or fruit for a complete meal?

Another favorite, though less indulged-in treat, are schokocroissants (chocolate croissants). When I was four or five years old, I would wrap a towel around my head after a bath and pretend to be Claude the Baker. This is because there was a German bakery in our town (owned by Claude) (the baker) that we frequented for his smiley face cookies and chocolate croissants. I haven't yet encountered the same yellow smiley face cookies, but I have found sad faced cookies. (Maybe some sort of German health warning?) However, chocolate croissants never fail to delight me by bringing me back to that happy childhood memory. And who doesn't love a trip to the bakery?

The German bakery experience is quite similar to what you would find in an American bakery.  The German grocery shopping experience, however, is quite different than in the states. Let me walk you through a typical trip.

Kate's guide to the German grocery store:

 

First, make sure you have some plastic bags in your car, as there are bags for purchase only in the store. If you want to be a little more charming, bring your basket.

If you are buying more than a couple days' worth of food, (which isn't common, as the refrigerators are small and food spoils quickly with less preservatives inside) bring a euro or two for a cart. Your euro will be returned to you when you return your cart, but you need to slide it into the slot to take a cart away. Hence, there is no need for the grocery store workers to scramble all over the parking lot collecting carts from lazy shoppers. Very efficient. Very German.

 

Once inside, you may need to stop at the incredible bottle eating machine (not the official name) depending on how many bottles you have collected that week. Insert all of your plastic bottles and cans, and the machine will spit out a receipt of store credit for you to spend. Do not attempt to "throw" or "toss" bottles into this temperamental machine. Unless you gently place them, it will vengefully spit the bottles back out at you, despite the fact that your arms are full and bottles are clattering to the floor.

Do not be alarmed if you don't hear any music, or if you smell cigarette smoke. Music is not played in most German stores and the smoke is just coming from the workers who are taking a smoke break out back. If you move quickly through the dairy section, you won't smell it by the time you get to the bread.

If you can stand the smoke, take a moment in the dairy section to revel in the fact
that you can buy brie cheese for only 1 euro!

If you are looking for freshly sliced deli chicken or turkey, you have come to the wrong country. After asking numerous grocery stores and butchers for "hanchenbrust" or "putenbrust", I have given up. Typically they say yes, and then point to a pinkish, brownish sausage-like cut of meat that has clearly been ground up and put into some sort of mold. And if you are looking for crunchy granola bars, stop wasting your time. They aren't here. I've looked. Everywhere. Nature Valley granola bars used to be a staple in my diet. Perfect for a morning snack, a hike, or an emergency snack in your purse that you might not need for five days but you're so happy when you find it because you're stuck in traffic with nothing to eat and your blood sugar is getting low and even worse, you're getting hangry. (Not a typo.) You may also have trouble finding pecans, salsa, good tortilla chips (according to Jordan), and almond butter.

That happy moment when you find a stowaway granola bar in your pocket after you've been in Germany for month.

However, if you want yogurt, gummy bears, pretzels, granola, chocolate, cheese, sausage, fresh fruit or veggies, you are in the right place. I find it easiest to buy whole foods because they don't involve reading German labels. If you are in doubt, just buy it, google translate it when you get home, and if it sounds too gross, bring it to share at your staff lunch on Friday. While shopping, ignore any rules you follow in America regarding personal space, or waiting your turn. If you want to be very polite, you can say, "Entschuldigen" for excuse me, but most likely, your fellow German shopper will give you a puzzled look, since pushing past someone, and even bumping into them to get through is perfectly acceptable. Don't forget to weigh and price your fruit and vegetables yourself. If you don't, the clerk will ask you to do it upon check-out and this will annoy the customers in line behind you who have all followed the rules about weighing fruits and veggies.

If the check-out lines are long, hang back a bit. Most likely, a clerk will call for back-up. But don't expect the customers behind you to honor the fact that you were in line first. No one will smile at you and insist that you go ahead of them. Once another register opens up, it's every man for himself. Don't be surprised if the man behind you jumps ahead in line and then appears totally unaware of your death glare from behind. (In hindsight, you will see this is a good thing, as you are supposed to be sharing the love of Jesus in this country.) And to be fair, if you arrive at the register with only a few items, the woman with a cart-full of groceries ahead of you, will probably let you cut in front of her.

The never-ending dairy case

Place your items on the conveyer belt, like you would normally, but be prepared to scoop them up yourself after they are scanned. Have your basket or bags ready. If you're not quick enough, just toss your purchases back in the cart and deal with them in the safety of the parking lot. I can only conclude that German grocery check-out clerks must go through rigorous training to learn how to scan items at record speeds. And of course, the counter space after the register is quite limited, so if you don't move quickly, cucumbers and yogurt will be piling up and falling on the floor.

Right about now, the clerk will say something to you that you cannot understand. She is telling you the total price for your groceries. Just hand her the largest bill in your wallet as if you have nothing smaller. Over time, you will end up with lots of change this way, but you will also avoid looking like a total fool in front of the customers waiting in line behind you. Keep in mind that once you pay, the clerk is done with you and will move on to the next customer. Do not give her any money until you are prepared to move yourself and your groceries and your cart out of the way for the next customer. (This is probably not proper etiquette, but more of a survival technique.)

(There is no picture of this step. Honestly, it would be like trying to capture a picture of a bolt of lightning.)

The clerk will hand you the receipt, and bid you "Choos!" in a sing-songy voice, to which you cheerfully reply, "Choos!" as if your heart isn't racing and you certainly aren't about to cry or simply drop from mental exhaustion. Once your groceries are nestled in your car and you have returned your cart and collected your coin, you can do some deep breathing exercises in the car to calm your nerves. This will also help in preparing you for the next step: driving a stick shift car through the narrow streets of a pedestrian filled town.

Consider your trip a success if you arrive home in one piece with some food. Because even if you don't know what you bought, or how much you paid for it, you can always serve fresh bread for dinner, and have a chocolate crossiant for dessert.